6.18.2004
LIFE...
Has been very busy lately. A good busy. Full of life. I just realized something recently. I feel most alive when I'm out of my comfort zone. Pushing the limits. I think that that is when we accomplish the most, grow the most and become who we are supposed to be... by getting out of our comfort zone, and taking a risk. Yeah, my bank account is pretty low, but I'm happy. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's a good thing.
How many people pass up their dreams because they are afraid? What will happen if they leave the comfy job that pays well, but kills their soul just a little bit every day? And eventually, their soul is dead and they hate life, but hey, they've managed to make the mortgage payment. I would rather wake up at 80 years of age, with no money in the bank, and no physical possessions, but also no regrets. To know that I pushed the limits, that I did everything that I wanted to do. That I took a chance and lived life to its absolute fullest.
A few pictures taken lately...living life, and sharing it with one of my favorite people.
Mark and Me...on my birthday at El Cholo
Mark and Me... hiking last Sunday with Mark's sister Shawn, who was in town for a visit.
Has been very busy lately. A good busy. Full of life. I just realized something recently. I feel most alive when I'm out of my comfort zone. Pushing the limits. I think that that is when we accomplish the most, grow the most and become who we are supposed to be... by getting out of our comfort zone, and taking a risk. Yeah, my bank account is pretty low, but I'm happy. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It's a good thing.
How many people pass up their dreams because they are afraid? What will happen if they leave the comfy job that pays well, but kills their soul just a little bit every day? And eventually, their soul is dead and they hate life, but hey, they've managed to make the mortgage payment. I would rather wake up at 80 years of age, with no money in the bank, and no physical possessions, but also no regrets. To know that I pushed the limits, that I did everything that I wanted to do. That I took a chance and lived life to its absolute fullest.
A few pictures taken lately...living life, and sharing it with one of my favorite people.
Mark and Me...on my birthday at El Cholo
Mark and Me... hiking last Sunday with Mark's sister Shawn, who was in town for a visit.
6.07.2004
A little humor to keep things in perspective...
Things aren't always what they seem...
Things aren't always what they seem...
The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Often I have wondered about the choices that I have made in my life, and where I might be had I made different choices, taken different paths. And yet the choices that I have made seemed to me to be the only choice that I could make given my state of heart and mind at that particular moment in time. After learning from "mistakes", and seeing things in hindsight, I can honestly say that I would make a few different choices given a second go-around. A few things I would do the same again. But do I regret any choices? No. I am who I am, and where I am right now because of those choices; because of the lessons I learned from those choices. And though I know that I am not quite yet where I want to be, at least I am assured that I am on the right path, and getting there is only a matter of time. And I am thankful that I went down the road that led me to a very special person in my life. That has made all the difference.
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Often I have wondered about the choices that I have made in my life, and where I might be had I made different choices, taken different paths. And yet the choices that I have made seemed to me to be the only choice that I could make given my state of heart and mind at that particular moment in time. After learning from "mistakes", and seeing things in hindsight, I can honestly say that I would make a few different choices given a second go-around. A few things I would do the same again. But do I regret any choices? No. I am who I am, and where I am right now because of those choices; because of the lessons I learned from those choices. And though I know that I am not quite yet where I want to be, at least I am assured that I am on the right path, and getting there is only a matter of time. And I am thankful that I went down the road that led me to a very special person in my life. That has made all the difference.
6.01.2004
Today is my birthday and yet I feel all alone. I don't know why. I know that I'm not alone. I have friends, family, and a certain special someone who loves me. But sometimes I'm not sure if there is anyone in the world, including those closest to me, who really knows the true me; the me that is deep inside, below the surface, below the social niceties; the raw personality of me. Or maybe I have a fear that if were to expose the one I love most to the real me, would they still love me? My whole life I have been somewhat of a rebel. Not a true rebel. I don't think I've had the courage to be a true rebel. But I've always been on the verge of being a nonconformist. Not to the point of being on the outside of society, but just on the verge. But my true nature is a complete rebel. A complete noncomformist. So does that mean that I have never had the courage to be who I truly am? And therefore no one knows who I truly am?
And I'm a mom. That has always been a source of conflict. I'm supposed to be setting an example for my children to live in a society that completely goes against the grain of who I am. How do you do that? To offer stability in a society that demands that you abide by its rules, when the core of who I am wants to go against the grain, to fight back, to live outside of society's ignorant demands. At the same time, to teach them true values; what is truly important in this life. Relationships, love, kindness, compassion for one another.
I believe that most people in this world are lonely. Loneliness comes from being unable to completely connect with another human being. That is what every person is seeking, and most people never find. And when we do find it, sometimes it scares the hell out of us, and we run away from it. Or we are so afraid of losing a person, or being rejected by them, that we reject them first.
True intimacy is rare. Because it takes courage to open your soul; to trust another person enough to let them see the depths of who you are; without fear of rejection when those vulnerable places are exposed. Maybe that is why I feel all alone. I have never had the experience of true intimacy. To tear down the walls that separate and protect us from another. To share one's soul with another totally and completely, no holding back. And as much as I want to have that experience, and feel that I am ready for true intimacy, I must admit that it still terrifies me!
James Dean & Natalie Wood in Rebel Without A Cause
And I'm a mom. That has always been a source of conflict. I'm supposed to be setting an example for my children to live in a society that completely goes against the grain of who I am. How do you do that? To offer stability in a society that demands that you abide by its rules, when the core of who I am wants to go against the grain, to fight back, to live outside of society's ignorant demands. At the same time, to teach them true values; what is truly important in this life. Relationships, love, kindness, compassion for one another.
I believe that most people in this world are lonely. Loneliness comes from being unable to completely connect with another human being. That is what every person is seeking, and most people never find. And when we do find it, sometimes it scares the hell out of us, and we run away from it. Or we are so afraid of losing a person, or being rejected by them, that we reject them first.
True intimacy is rare. Because it takes courage to open your soul; to trust another person enough to let them see the depths of who you are; without fear of rejection when those vulnerable places are exposed. Maybe that is why I feel all alone. I have never had the experience of true intimacy. To tear down the walls that separate and protect us from another. To share one's soul with another totally and completely, no holding back. And as much as I want to have that experience, and feel that I am ready for true intimacy, I must admit that it still terrifies me!
James Dean & Natalie Wood in Rebel Without A Cause
