6.28.2005
I'm trying to laugh, but I'm still not there yet. It's not quite a real laugh. Some days everything seems like it is going to be okay. Other days, it seems like it will never be okay.
When you have a hole in your soul, people just expect you to act normal. It's business as usual. "Let's keep the sales up." "Mom, what's for dinner?", "Can you drive me to Burbank?". If the hole were a physical hole, they would rush you to the hospital and make sure you got the best of care. But holes in the soul don't seem to count. Right now I think I'd rather have a physical hole. It might hurt less. Better chance of recovery.
What I really need is to go far away for a long time. Not talk to anyone. Not see anyone. Just pure solitude. I need to lick my wounds and let them heal.
But for now, I guess I just have to try and laugh.
Somehow, we just didn't see it coming.
When you have a hole in your soul, people just expect you to act normal. It's business as usual. "Let's keep the sales up." "Mom, what's for dinner?", "Can you drive me to Burbank?". If the hole were a physical hole, they would rush you to the hospital and make sure you got the best of care. But holes in the soul don't seem to count. Right now I think I'd rather have a physical hole. It might hurt less. Better chance of recovery.
What I really need is to go far away for a long time. Not talk to anyone. Not see anyone. Just pure solitude. I need to lick my wounds and let them heal.
But for now, I guess I just have to try and laugh.
Somehow, we just didn't see it coming.
6.27.2005
Laughter is the best medicine for healing a broken heart. Get it all out with a good cry and then just laugh about it! Okay, it's easier said than done. But I've discovered that moping around just isn't cutting it. At some point, you have to put it all into perspective, right? Life is too short to just sit down and die. I can't control what other people do in my life, as much as I try to sometimes. But I can control my reactions to it. I have to rise above the pain and smile a real smile again. Laugh a real laugh.
I truly want to do the right thing. To be the right person. To make the right choices. As hard as knowing what those are. I have to trust that I will make the right choice when the time comes. Meanwhile, I have to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and just laugh about it all. We're all such idiots sometimes. Why do we make some of the stupid choices that we make? Why do we hang on to things when it is obvious to everyone around us that we are hanging on for naught? And egos. Life would be a cakewalk if it weren't for egos. Egos are what make us hang on to every little bad thing that anyone ever did to us. Egos get in the way of creating great relationships. And fear. Because of fear, we don't take chances. And if we don't take chances, we'll never know what may have been.
So here are a few jokes to get started on the right path. They are, quite possibly, some of the world's worst jokes, but hey, it's something. If you don't laugh, well, then you're probably normal! These are real groaners...
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Or my favorite...
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
I truly want to do the right thing. To be the right person. To make the right choices. As hard as knowing what those are. I have to trust that I will make the right choice when the time comes. Meanwhile, I have to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and just laugh about it all. We're all such idiots sometimes. Why do we make some of the stupid choices that we make? Why do we hang on to things when it is obvious to everyone around us that we are hanging on for naught? And egos. Life would be a cakewalk if it weren't for egos. Egos are what make us hang on to every little bad thing that anyone ever did to us. Egos get in the way of creating great relationships. And fear. Because of fear, we don't take chances. And if we don't take chances, we'll never know what may have been.
So here are a few jokes to get started on the right path. They are, quite possibly, some of the world's worst jokes, but hey, it's something. If you don't laugh, well, then you're probably normal! These are real groaners...
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Or my favorite...
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
6.25.2005
come up to meet you
tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i've set you apart
tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles
coming in tails
heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
i was just guessing
at numbers and figures
pulling the puzzles apart
questions of science
science and progress
They don't speak as loud as my heart.
oh, tell me you love me
come back and haunt me
oh when i rush to the start
running in circles
chasing tails
coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start
by Coldplay
Click here for a sample
tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i've set you apart
tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles
coming in tails
heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
i was just guessing
at numbers and figures
pulling the puzzles apart
questions of science
science and progress
They don't speak as loud as my heart.
oh, tell me you love me
come back and haunt me
oh when i rush to the start
running in circles
chasing tails
coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start
by Coldplay
Click here for a sample
Overwhelmed... is the only word to describe. Working 6-7 days per week. Unpacking boxes. Painting. Dealing with betrayal and a broken heart. Losing my best friend. And being a single mom. The stress of rebellious teenagers. Family coming to visit. Bills, bills and more bills. "But mom, you can handle it, you're strong." said my teenage daughter. Something about that phrase made me want to start screaming, and never stop. I don't want to be strong. I just want to cry. To crawl under a rock and die. To not have to fake smile. To not have to pretend that it's okay. It's not fucking okay. How many times can I say it? A thousand million times it's not okay.
Fuck being strong. I need someone else to be strong. I need someone else to hold me in their strong arms, and make it all okay. Someone to be insane about me. To choose me first this time and everytime. To be enraptured with "the whole" of me. (Some puns truly are unforgivable.) But there is nobody to do that.
Father, give me the strength. Help me to see the light again.
Fuck being strong. I need someone else to be strong. I need someone else to hold me in their strong arms, and make it all okay. Someone to be insane about me. To choose me first this time and everytime. To be enraptured with "the whole" of me. (Some puns truly are unforgivable.) But there is nobody to do that.
Father, give me the strength. Help me to see the light again.
6.22.2005
It's time to walk out of the cave, and into the light... Leave the darkness behind.
6.21.2005
Have you ever suddenly realized that something
wasn't what you thought it was?
When the filters of what we want to see are lifted,
and we see something clearly for the first time,
Enlightenment turns the light on,
and there sits Truth, naked and exposed.
And while the disappointment of Truth
can be heartbreaking,
knowing the Truth is more valuable than the
beauty of all the dreams and illusions that my mind can create.
In the words of Thoreau, "Rather than love, than money,
than fame, give me Truth."
The truth is that I feel like a total fool and a big part of my soul died tonight. All the happy memories... hiking, bweeping, loving, laughing, New York, the bridge to Nowhere, Vasquez Rocks, hiking to the Hollywood sign, walking through the clouds. We were there for each other through all the good and bad. You were my heart, and now it's broken. We had so many good times. Gone. In one unorthodoxically, self-destructive, selfish night.
Now it's time to get back to me. Find peace again. Find true love. Be happy again.
The END
wasn't what you thought it was?
When the filters of what we want to see are lifted,
and we see something clearly for the first time,
Enlightenment turns the light on,
and there sits Truth, naked and exposed.
And while the disappointment of Truth
can be heartbreaking,
knowing the Truth is more valuable than the
beauty of all the dreams and illusions that my mind can create.
In the words of Thoreau, "Rather than love, than money,
than fame, give me Truth."
The truth is that I feel like a total fool and a big part of my soul died tonight. All the happy memories... hiking, bweeping, loving, laughing, New York, the bridge to Nowhere, Vasquez Rocks, hiking to the Hollywood sign, walking through the clouds. We were there for each other through all the good and bad. You were my heart, and now it's broken. We had so many good times. Gone. In one unorthodoxically, self-destructive, selfish night.
Now it's time to get back to me. Find peace again. Find true love. Be happy again.
The END
6.17.2005
When you want to change your life, you have to change yourself. I have been less than happy for the past few months, and I am realizing that I must change myself at a very basic level if I am going to be happy. And if I want to allow a good relationship to become a great relationship, I have to learn to forgive and forget. Learn to trust again. Let the past stay in the past, where it belongs. What you focus on is what expands. I need to focus on all the good things... expand on all the happy memories... hiking, bweeping, loving, laughing. We have had so many good times.
This past year has been difficult, both financially and emotionally. But in truth, I have much to be thankful for. And I know that in order to make my life better, I only have to turn around and walk out of the cave... let the past stay in the past. Focus on the good things. Be thankful. After all, LIFE IS GOOD!
This past year has been difficult, both financially and emotionally. But in truth, I have much to be thankful for. And I know that in order to make my life better, I only have to turn around and walk out of the cave... let the past stay in the past. Focus on the good things. Be thankful. After all, LIFE IS GOOD!
