7.22.2005
What I Want From My LifeTo laugh often
To sing and dance, and celebrate life with true friends and family
To use my talents to make a difference in the world
To have inner peace and gratitude
To share my life, make love and grow old with a good man
To be truly happy
To be One with God
This is truly what I want in my life, and I shall not settle for anything less. I want to focus on the good things in my life. Turn my focus away from the things in my life that are causing me pain. Spend more time in meditation, laughing with friends, using my creative talents, making a difference.
Sometimes you have to let go of what has been in order to receive what will be. Sometimes relationships have to change in order to move forward. I have to learn to let go of expectations, impossible wishes. Be unattached to the outcome. That is the real secret of happiness. Being unattached to any particular outcome. I have to learn to be happy no matter what, because I cannot control the choices of other people. And I cannot allow other peoples choices to dictate and destroy my happiness.7.21.2005
"I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish... be deliriously happy. But love is passion, obsession. Someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy, who can love you the same way back. How do you find that? You forget your head, and listen to your heart.
...The truth is, there's no point in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike." Who knows? Maybe lightning could strike... !
7.20.2005
I looked at his peaceful, sleeping face, and I made a wish. A wish that I have wished so many times that now it seems a hopeless wish. The face that I know and love so well. The lips I have kissed so many times. Will I ever be able to kiss those lips again without thinking of those lips kissing her? Wanting her?I used to think I knew him so well. We had such a deep, soul connection. But now I'm not sure if I know him at all. The choices that he made, the words that he wrote... to her... the lies that he said to me...broke my heart. Breaks my heart still. Is there any hope for my wish, for our love? Was any of what we shared real? And if it was, how could he? He loved me, but he saved his passion for her.
Nothing is different, and everything is different. Nothing has changed, and everything has changed. There must be dramatic change if there is to be any hope.
Life is too short to settle for love without passion. "She wanted bigger love, Had to have it like she had to dream herself to sleep."
7.19.2005
A man stood before the great journey of self. He stood in the doorway of his own being. Every time he was sure of a decision to change, his fears were like a world ocean, which would not allow him to take the first step and cross. Finally he asked, “How does one begin?” “How does one let go?”A cool breeze blew down from the breath of the fields around him. He closed his eyes and gently bowed his head. When he looked up , there before him appeared a woman, clothed in the emerald gowns of the field and speaking with the gentle voice of Eden. She looked into the valleys of his heart and said…
Before each transition is a bridge
Before each journey is a step
Before each change there is the will
Before each love there is the rising heart
The woman took his hand and continued…
Let us return from sickness unto health
Let us return from sorrow unto joy
Let us return to the path and become holy
Let us return from the self and become one
There are many bridges and many paths, but…
The first step begins with you
The first step begins with hope
The first step begins with the change
The first step is the one that is hardest and matters the most
And then, for the first time he looked into his own heart and felt his own rising sprit and merging into a union with the Great Divine. He reached out to touch the face of the woman, but she disappeared into the breath of the wind and into her place a Golden Bridge appeared before the waters around him and letting go of fear within himself he took the first step.~Eric S. Kingston
JUST COFFEEShe wanted bigger love,
Had to have it like she had to dream herself to sleep.
Recrossed her legs and waited for his tears.
When they came, she held his hand,
Pretended to be interested in someone walking by their table.
~Art & Poetry by Viggo Mortensen
7.18.2005
"I just want to be left alone.
I just want to be sitting
alone in the garden,
with my thoughts... and my self.
My own... sweet self..."
-Irascible
7.15.2005
I used to look in the mirror and really like the person that I saw reflected there. I was happy. I was confident. I was invincible. I could do anything.
Now...
I'm not sure if I like the person in the mirror.
I'm not sure that I even know that person.
The events of the past year and a half drained my spirit.
I was devoured and consumed by the Green-Eyed Monster.
I allowed myself to believe the myth that if the one you love values someone else more, than that someone else must be more valuable.
I was focused on the negative, and that was what expanded in my life.
I wasn't true to myself, and lost sight of who I am.
Now I have to take some time out from everything and everyone.
Spend some time alone in silence.
And in that silence, I will find peace.
"All miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone."
~ Pascal
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."~Franz Kafka
7.09.2005
I have held my destiny in my two hands and I am the shape I made. I have suffered and loved. I have walked through fire and did not burn. I've been blown by wind and did not fall. I've walked the long road and kept to my journey...
I have lost and found myself in every rock, field and tree. I know what I am and what I imagine. I know shadow and light, and I have never been satisfied with shelter and bread when the great was left unattained.
~extracts from Awakening Osiris
Our lives are what we create them to be. So whatever I have in my life, right now, whether it is good or bad, I am responsible for having created it. I cannot move forward and create something better without first acknowledging my responsibility for what is right now.
The recent past has held a lot of disappointment... both in myself and in those I am close to. But it is time to rise above and conquer... To leave the wake behind and look ahead. It is a constant battle, a challenge of spirit to rise to the test. Those who can rise to meet the challenge will ultimately succeed. Those who lie down and die... will die. There are no rocks to hide under. There are no shoulders to cry on. I am what I am. I have what I have. It is up to me to make the most of it. And be grateful. The key to true happiness is gratitude.
Make me sweet again,
Fragrant and fresh and wild,
And thankful for any small event.
-Rumi
